Why?
by buffysummxrs
Summary: "I do" She looks at me questioningly and then down at the sheet before breaking into giggles. "In sickness and in health?" She asks. "Til death us do part?" I shake my head. "Way beyond that," I say. "Forever."


**Okay, so, I recently read Forbidden by Tabitha Suzuma and just could not believe it ended as it did. I cried, God, I cried bloody rivers! I felt as if I was the one grieving. And so I have decided to write a little story of how I have imagined the end in my mind.**

**This is also my first ever FanFiction! So, I'm pretty nervous about this, but here goes! :)**

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Life. What is life now? Nothing. My life is gone, he just never took me with him. Why? Why, why, why, why? Deep down I know why; because there was no way out for either of us, because I told the truth. He wanted me safe, and I told the truth.

Did he expect me to just let him get locked away? No. It was consensual, if he was going down then I was too. Maybe, that's why I felt that his death, his suicide, was my fault. If I'd have just stuck to his plan, but I couldn't.

I miss him so much it hurts to even think his name. I can't say it. I can't think of his piercing green eyes that seemed to penetrate through mine and see deep into my soul, or his shaggy inky black hair that felt like soft wool as I thread my fingers through it, or his lips, oh, his beautiful lips...

Without thinking I leapt up out of the kitchen chair and grabbed for the drawer- that drawer -that contained my way out. My fingers clutched the knife handle, gripping it firmly, and I raised my wrist to the silver blade that would make all my hurt, all my pain disappear.

A burning hot sensation fluttered up my stomach, rising up my throat like a lump of burning coal and I lunged for the empty sink, contents of the cereal Kit made me eat this morning spilling past my mouth.

It's been three weeks since the funeral, three weeks since I slammed that knife in the drawer and fought to keep Lochan's one last request - that I continue living, for him, for me and for our brothers and sister. But I don't want to, not anymore. I'm done. I miss him. I want him. Why did he leave me?

Tears soon flowed down my cheeks and I gripped my stomach in pain. I can't do this on my own. We were a team. A whole. One being. I was Lochan and he was me. And without him, I'm nothing.

I slid down the cupboards until I hit the floor, head falling into my hands as I wept.

I forced myself to go to bed that night, in his bed, as I have done for the past three weeks. It smells like him. Lochan, my love. I pulled the covers over my head and breathed in deeply. Lochan. I have on his white shirt he wore to bed, I've claimed this as my night shirt now, just like I wear his black hoodie everyday. Anything, anything that makes me feel closer to him. And as I do every night, I cry myself to sleep, thinking of Lochan, making myself believe I can feel his arms around me, lulling me into sleep, letting me know it will be alright.

As soon as my eyes open, that familiar sensation creeps up my stomach and I'm heading straight for the toilet. It's been this way for the past week. My head keeps telling me it's just the grief, however, I'm beginning to wonder if it's something else entirely.

But how would that be possible? Lochan and I used a condom. I couldn't be pregnant. I just couldn't. After, I take a quick shower, make breakfast for the little ones, and take them to school, I make a stop at the local chemist to by a pregnancy test.

I hurry home, ripping the box open and just as I'm about to run upstairs to the bathroom, my mother appears from the kitchen, her eyes widening as she takes in what's in my hand.

"Maya, is that-?" She can't even finish. Her hand trembles as she raises it to her mouth. This is the first time she's been home since the funeral, and even then I didn't talk to her, didn't look at her. What has happened is her fault, her fault Lochan had no option but to take his own life, her fault my world came crashing down when things where starting to go right, her fault for leaving her children.

"Yes, mum, it is." I reply numbly as I turn and make my way upstairs.

"Oh, my baby. I can take you to the hospital, the doctors can fix this, don't worry. I'll just-" I can't listen anymore. I scream. Scream loud, so loud it cracks my throat, and I imagine I can taste blood.

"I'm not getting rid of this baby. This is my way of having him back; mine and Lochan's baby. A part of both of us. You killed my brother but you're not killing our baby too."

And with that I locked myself in the bathroom and tried so hard to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach, as I waited and waited and waited for the results, though I already knew what that result would be. I truly am pregnant.

I opened the bathroom door and my mother sat on the top stair, her eyes pleading with me. She stood up and wordlessly I ran to her, arms wrapping around her waist, crying into her shoulder. I'm so sorry, so so so sorry, I wanted to say, and she squeezed me tighter, her hand rubbing my back.

"Don't worry, my little bunny. It'll be okay, it's all gonna be okay." She shushed me, and for the first time in years, I was glad my mum was here.

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**What do you guys think? Shall I continue? Should I just stop altogether? lol. Constructive criticism is welcome. **


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